For Lillian Makhubalo* it was like a blow to the heart. It just means that being a second wife comes with a lot of challenges along the way. Can I marry second wife? Normally the husband stays in the main house and then the wives have their own homes outside, Lillian explains. Mrs. Amir (second wife) and Mrs. Kamal (first wife) were felt lonelier and criticized by their family because of infertility and the new wives were getting more privilege socially and financially because of having children. These themes emerged in 3 main themes as Causes of polygamy, outcomes of polygamy, and coping strategies of polygamous women. Image from The Star. I wouldn't go through the same experience again," he says. Mrs. Mustafa said, she approved and permitted her husband to 2nd marriage. Yet we make as felicitous a stepfamily as you are likely to find. Exploring the mediation effects of anger rumination and willingness to forgive on the association between self-compassion and romantic jealousy. Minor clashes are part of life to her. A married couple that stays together can rack up plenty of debt, but what about a marriage that ends? To sum up: I am married to a man I love and am lucky. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry received 934 citations as per google scholar report, Research Article - ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (2021), Received: 20-Nov-2021 If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. Polygamy has become common practice in many communities including Pakistan. Now she was not ready for 3rd. Growing up my mother was abused by my father, Thembi says as she wipes away a tear. Al-Krenawi A, Graham JR. A comparison of family functioning, life, and marital satisfaction, and mental health of women in polygamous and monogamous marriages. Eva wasn't happy, but her husband went ahead and traditionally married the two women without her consent. Method: Exploratory qualitative method was used. Bigger families imply more connections. Six were first (senior) wives, four were second wives, and one was the 3rd wife in status. 2014; 8-10. Because her first husband always cursed him by saying a childless woman. Polygamy.com. But that doesnt mean that they arent a little wounded. The co-wives were approached from their homes. His first marriage counted. The purpose of this study is to investigate married womens experiences in polygamous marriages and their ways of coping to accept this relationship. I couldn't sleep properly, I was crying.'. While in many cites it has been claimed that if a man is unable to maintain justice and equality to treat all the wives then the above verse is interpreted as in favour of monogamy [2]. Women need to be empowered with education and positive affirmation of self-worth. His actions went against the traditional practice of asking for her permission and mediating until a solution is found, but legally he was within his rights. Al-Krenawi A, Slonim-Nevo V. Psychosocial and familial functioning of children from polygynous and monogamous families. Jealousy is something almost everyone is afflicted with at some point and just because someone chose to be in a polygamous marriage doesn't mean they deserve less sympathy than anyone else. All interviews were audio-taped, transcribed verbatim, and were then analyzed by interpretive phenomenological analysis. All of that financial mess can translate into a financially difficult second marriage. The questions were translated into English according to the needs of international journal. We have an ordinary life. The advantages of polygamy were included sharing in-house responsibilities and child-rearing. Here are some people revealing the truth of what polygamous relationships are really like. But by then, no one can picture you without that first friend. Too many people are dying because of the conflict between monogamy and polygamy. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (MyCite Report). She said "After it, my husband was not trustworthy for me anymore. 2009; 103(1): 17-29. Then I learned that marriages arent like cars, independent of the people in them, to be fixed according to an owner's manual. "I have no physical disability that perhaps could've prompted his decision, he just decided that he needed a second wife," she says. 2. Changes to the law have meant that women in customary marriages now have more protection than before. Tabi MM, Doster C, Cheney T. A qualitative study of women in polygynous marriages. Of importance is the need to disseminate the findings of studies like this one to those who are in a position to make change a reality. Accepting polygamy does not make. International Nursing Review. The study was conducted in 2017 with approval from the institution and polygamous women. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. The effects of polygamy on children and adolescents: A systematic review. Relationships are hard, and if things go wrong, we get hurt. And more children too they are all so respectful and loving, a clear example of the home theyre being brought up in.. Islam allows for a man to marry up to 4 wives rather illegal relationship. It protects the families from contracting sexually transmitted diseases and possible deviation to an illegal sexual association [3]. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. 2006; 35(1), 46-61. He didn't want to leave his first wife because they had already had 4 children together. It's a common misconception that polygamy means one man married to multiple wives. Couples Therapy: Whats the Difference? The Quranic prescription for polygamy suggests that men can marry two, three or four wives (but not the other way round, naturally). In a previous study by the perceived advantages of polygyny included sharing house chores and child-rearing similarly in the present study most of the polygamous women were reported particularly the infertile women helped the co-wives to bring up their children as well as daily household activities. The applicant argued that the second woman's marriage was invalid because she, the first wife, had not consented to it: a notion upheld by the North Gauteng High Court. He was a handsome 25-year-old who worked as a miner, and when he asked her gogo if he could marry Lillian, Nomqondiso agreed. Life as a co-wife wasn't easy for Cecilia; she started being mistreated by the second wife. Mrs. Imam was the first wife with a love marriage and she had two female children in three years. Their average marriage duration was 11 years and living in the same house or compound. She said being Muslim I should follow and admit the true teachings of Islam." Most women dreaming of settling down probably aren't imagining doing so with a man who is already married. In addition, the interpretive phenomenological analysis (IPA) was used to generate a wide range of perceptions and opinions that women carry out about their experiences in polygamous family structures. Islam allows men to marry up to four wives at one time but the condition is to maintain equality and Justice in all the possession whatever a man holds in material means [1]. I would also like to add that polygamy is not a staple in Islamic culture, nor is it a tradition. Al-Krenawi A, Graham JR, Ben-Shimol-Jacobsen S. Attitudes toward and reasons for polygamy differentiated by gender and age among Bedouin-Arabs of the Negev. She said," My husband helped me to survive emotionally and financially". Miss Nadia was the 2nd wife of Mr. Imam. https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2012/october/32-shocking-divorce-statistics/, https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/, Living with a Spouse Who Has Aspergers Syndrome: the Cloud of Secrecy. 2006; 45(3): 311330. Table 2: Frequency of co-wives for jealousy, unhappiness, loneliness and sharing household chores as consequences of polygamous marriages (N=11). Mormon women fear eternal polygamy, study shows. These findings have implications for policymakers and family advisors. Sometimes the first wifeis forced to accept it because of her own limited circumstances, and sometimes she declares war or leaves her husband." Polygamy is a practice in which a person is married to more than one person at the same time, most commonly a man to several wives. You didnt grow up thinking; I cant wait until I meet a divorced man! mortality is outrageously high and t The second wife will have all of these extra people in her life that she never bargained for and it can be a lonely or isolating feeling. Co-wife conflict and co-operation. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. Dealing with your partner's baggage. Both were a happy couple with 2 boys and 1 baby girl. Constitutionally, polygamy raises important issues under the free exercise clause of the First Amendment. She said "first wife of my husband always get more privilege than me." The findings of the study indicate that polygamy is a painful and bitter pill for most women to swallow. 17-Dec-2021, DOI: 10.54615/2231-7805.47221. The Review of Economic Studies. Eva wasnt happy, but her husband went ahead and traditionally married the two women without her consent. Being Muslim doesn't change the biology of pain, of envy, and of sadnessthese are human emotions that are consequences of the act. I didnt really get it, but my parents are big on communication in a weeks time I was on board. Thembi says she knows people often question polygamous marriages but shes adamant that sometimes the women gain a lot more than the men. I allowed and agreed to my husbands request for a co-wife to have more children. She also claimed that love with time is declined and she preferred to accept co-wife rather divorce to safe their marriage and secure her daughters future. The appropriate strategies which are purposefully working by co-wives must be enhanced with proper education and implement programmers that teach coping mechanisms and stress management. 2.Explain the nature of your relationships with co-wives. Being a step-parent can be a very . Her ex-husband died. It is an option. After 11 years passed when she had not conceived her in-laws forced her husband for co-wife. Grab Now! Conclusion: Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. Im in computer programming, which should tell you how much I love interacting with people, he says with a laugh. She said that she convinced her husband for 2nd marriage because of her illness. Teyana Taylor and her husband can have threesomes if it works for Celeste Ntuli and Ayanda Borotho on their roles as sister-wives in Celeste Ntuli and Ayanda Borotho on their roles as sister-wives in Isibaya, After Criselda Dudumashe recently shared how her husband allegedly beat her up we thought we'd remind women how they can seek help. Miss Nadia was the second wife of Mr. Imam. She has never absolved me from the sin of being happy. A new law that went into effect in Kenya this week makes it legal for a man to marry as many women as he wants. Challenges of Polygamy Partiality of husbands: this is where. Naturally, I instantly felt like I wasnt woman enough for him, Lillian says. Cross-Cultural Research. She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. Published: Polygamy is the general, gender-neutral term for any marriage between three or more people.Polygyny is a specific term used to describe a marriage that includes one husband and at least two wives. 2006; 52(1): 5-17. When people. The findings were consistent may be due to cultural and religious resemblance because Al-Krenawi and his colleagues conducted their study in Arab states. That tends to bring with it even more debt and insecurities. A sample of 11 polygamous women was included through snowball sampling from the different cities of the province of Punjab, Pakistan with an age range of 18-50 years. 4. I told her that if it was going to make her unhappy I would forget about the whole idea. But thats not how it works out for everyone. The second wife shouldn't marry unless he promises to tell the first wife. After the wedding they all moved into a bigger house with cottages at the back for the children. These themes were generated from the co-wives experiences. Archives of Women's Mental Health. A man and his second wife in Pakistan tell of their daily fear of being killed by assassins at the behest of their families. Some second wives may have unknowingly become #2 and had thought they were in monogamy, until the husband plucks up the courage to reveal they have . You find yourself constantly comparing yourself with his ex-wife. Problematic: Polygamy can be problematic from a legal and religious way. At the very least, the term "second wife" has a very negative connotation. 2008; 148(6): 745-764. The study describes the different experiences, reasons behind polygamy, its outcomes, and the coping strategies used by first, second, and third wives. So she said I always support my husband for equal treatment with all wives because this life is much better than the previous one." 2014. In literature, the problems faced by polygamous women were highlighted. Mrs. Arslan did not avail of divorce and said it was her fate to share her husband with her co-wife for the future of her children. In this concern two research experts (co-authors) were consulted. Ethnographic accounts of 69 polygynous systems and reported evidence that the majority of co-wives in a polygynous family prefer pragmatic co-operation with one another while maintaining a respectful distance however having a deep-seated feeling of angst that arises over competing for access to their mutual husband [21]. 1. In times of uncertainty you need journalism you can trust. READ MORE:Customary law know your rights. This prompted one Javed to petition the Supreme Court that since Muslim. She was living with her in-laws and never allowed her husband to live with his second wife in the same household. But then came Thamsanqas shattering statement. So second marriages tend to have less of the giddiness and more of the serious daily life attached. She said, I don't think I was the one that could not have children. A couple of years after her mother's death, Deschamps' father remarried in an LDS Temple and was sealed to his second wife. A record of 26 women was collected for polygamous families through snowball sampling for the availability of co-wives. But in Pakistan and Iran, only consent is required from the first wife and need to show it in the court as proof for the second wife. She had only one daughter. To evaluate the outcomes of the relationship between co-wives. I knew society is very cruel and it would be very tough for me to bring up them without father." Further, they accepted co-wives as fate roles and made compromises rather than separation in most of the wives even they had kids. Polygamy | Becoming A Second Wife | Accepting Other Wives 13,077 views May 15, 2020 154 Dislike Share Diaspora Ukhti 3.66K subscribers This is a survey only! The co-wives shared their several experiences and reasons why they allowed their husbands for 2nd or 3rd marriage. Practicing polygamy as a legal permanent resident can lead to deportation, as can a criminal conviction for bigamy. Many first marriages start with two young, giddy people, unfettered by the realities of life. Mrs. Tanveer (first wife) has accepted the co-wife relationship because to her religion has allowed the man for multiple wives. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, 2. And a leading women's group is applauding . Unhappiness and loneliness: Mrs. Gulzar was unhappy about a lot of things in the marriage. We have also learned of situations where a man is forced by his family to take a second wife because his parents disapprove of his first wife for any number of reasons (they didn't choose her, his mother no longer likes her, she's not the right nationality, ethnicity, skin tone, caste, race etc). She was in severe depression after this trauma. But honestly, if your significant other has already had a wedding, who cares? Community awareness of the effects of polygamy on women through media campaigns is a beginning step. Finding the right path for their family also provides an opportunity for bonding. Many qualitative and quantitative studies have been conducted to evaluate the challenges and issues facing polygamous women on an international level. It found that while 70 per cent agreed that Muslim men have a right to polygamous marriages so long as they can treat all wives fairly, only 30 per cent would allow their own husband to marry . According to Ali Kurbanov, a 27-year-old practicing Muslim who is also looking for a second wife, it is difficult for a woman to agree to her husband's second marriage, however, if a woman. Istanbul, Turkey. When even used-car dealers dont regard themselves as purveyors of second-hand merchandise, when second-hand clothes stores are now consignment shops, why should I stick with the second-wife moniker? She also explained, "I never made differences among children". Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. Mrs. Mustafa though convinced her husband of second marriage but she said I was very much distressed and lonely after the 2nd marriage of my husband. The study is not against polygamy but the need to improve the family structure of polygamous families is a major concern. Mrs. Kamal due to the age factor she was very distressed at the time of her husbands' 2nd marriage but with time she accepted this relationship and had a good relation with 2nd wife and with her children. Different coping strategies have been explored to deal with the co-wives relationship by women to share their mutual husbands. This can make for a challenging home life from day to day. "Eva*, now 60 was married to my father for 28 years, and then one day he said he would like to add two more wives - they were twins," she recalls. The two new wives bullied my mother and called her names. In all the other cases of infertility, family pressure was the main factor despite childlessness (Table 1). My husband is as much a second husband as Im a second wife. Mrs. Ahmad being 2nd wife told that after second marriage "I and my co-wife did not get along; our children also did not get along, and there was constant bickering between us. She stated I prefer not to attend the same social function or activity with my rival (co-wife). It means if your husband is a citizen or green card holder, he. My husband has two wives . 2020; 39(2): 750-760. Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? She believed that by allowing for a co-wife, she too would be blessed to have a child. Though she faced a lot of criticism from the first wife. "Risk"? When her husband refused, she said that she convinced and allowed her husband for second marriage. The disadvantage of being a second wife Sense of insecurity The second wife will face insecurity toward her husband which will take her in a severe sense of doubts and auspiciousness. Also, if your husband has financial problems, he had no right to marry you in the first place. Following subthemes were included in these main theme categories. He dearly loved his wife, Mary Ann Angell. Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. 70% of those second marriages end in divorce. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. The 58-year-old and her husband, Thamsanqa*, 65, married when Lillian was 18. She does not have an apartment . Accepting being a second wife can be challenging for those who are considering polygamy. But few years passed her husband was involved with another lady and married after few years. She said, "I used to take care of my child and co-wife's as well". | Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. 2 Meet other future spouses. Its a hard stigma to run away from and can lead to many second marriage challenges.